Stupid ALSA and Intel 82801H sound card


I have tried everything to get this damn card to work but for nothing. All ALSA can do is produce sound through the headphones; the two speakers and subwoofer remain silent. Not only that, but alsamixer refuses to work, spitting out this error:

ALSA lib simple_none.c:1741:(simple_add1) helem (MIXER,'Headphone Playback Switch',0,2,0) appears twice or more
alsamixer: function snd_mixer_load failed: Invalid argument

This is what I've tried so far:
* upgraded to Hardy Beta, and tried both 64bit and 32bit (note: this means I tried Gutsy first)
* installed linux-backport-modules
* purged alsa-base, alsa-utils and linux-sound-base and reinstalled them
* downloaded alsa-source and recompiled modules
* recompiled all of ALSA from source from the project page
* modified /etc/modprobe.d/alsa-base options for snd-hda-intel
* TRIED (and failed) to install PulseAudio to see if it would work
* TRIED (and mostly failed) to install OSS to see if it would work
* renamed my ~/.asoundrc file
* installed gnome-alsamixer and alsamixergui hoping to get around the error above
* got the alsa_1 and alsa_2 scripts (linked below) to reinstall ALSA from source
* and probably more I can't remember